25 Weeks: That Old Chestnut

First was tiny. He arrived two days early, which doesn't count as early. He was only 6 pounds. Like, 6 pounds and zero ounces.

My baby entered this world without all of the chub and rolls and squishiness. Of course he was the most darling and beautiful and amazing baby in the world. But... now I kind of wish he came out with a little meat on his bones.

I have some hypotheses. A) He was squishing my gall bladder and preventing me from eating anything with much fat in it. B) Stress. b.1) My husband was gone and, oh, maybe or maybe not able to come home in time for the birth, but I wouldn't know until I was on my way to L&D. b.2) The thought of birthing my firstborn ON MY OWN. b.3) Knowing my husband would have to leave again a week or less after the birth. b.4) Work. I always stressed about work. b.5) My parents divorcing, my sister hiding being an alcoholic, blah blah blah.

I think Factor B is the big player here. So I would like very much to minimize the stress this time around.

It can be difficult. Toddler. Deployment. Being thousands of miles from family. But I'm taking advantage of the few quiet hours to myself in this time to reflect on my stress and anxiety. I'm listening to my crazy dreams and getting in touch with what I really need.

There's a lot of healing that needs to happen between now and Deuce's arrival. I need to open myself to the possibility that this time will be different, that my husband won't be frozen with uncertainty of what to do when his wife is in pain. That he won't be a zombie from months of sleep deprivation. That the first few weeks will actually be about us growing our family, and not about How on Earth Am I Going to Do This Without You? and Fuck You I'm Really Tired. That I will produce milk like a dairy.

And that the time after that can be really good. Feeling confident that we can succeed as parents. Not wondering when we're moving out of the country. Breastfeeding well and comfortably.

It's possible that we could call those days good enough and be really happy with them.